Jynx's Ramblings

Lion grabs hold of the car door with its teeth...

...and opens the door!

Isn't it funny how I only write on here when I'm really upset and I can't get hold of Paul? I'm pretty lame, huh?

So, why am I upset this time? Well, for starters I ran out of happy pills 'cos I cleverly forgot to put my prescription in before I went to stay with Paul, so of course I feel dreadful. Number 2, I'm really really depressed because I still can't find I job and leave this fucking place, not that I'm getting help with finding one because my mum now won't let me print any letters or CVs, and I don't have the money to go to the library. Number 3, I'm expected to pay my mum so that Paul can stay with me for a few days. Oh yeah, and number 4, my parent's seemed so delighted to tell me that everyone will be happier and much better off when I 'go away', and then decided to ask me what I would do if they kicked me out.

So, my question at the moment is, what the fuck am I supposed to do? I still have no choice but to stay here, locked in my room in a house full of people that don't want me here, because I have no where else to go. I'm starting to wonder if I should just get rid of all my stuff that is still packed up in boxes in my room and just walk out. But then, if I do that, am I just going to be shooting myself in the foot? Where am I going to go if I do that, or if I get kicked out? Somehow, I need to either get a job in London, or find somewhere to stay up there while I look for work.

I would give up everything I have just to see Paul right now. I just want a cuddle.

Today Alice and I were playing Zoo Tycoon 2 and created a coast-orientated zoo (i.e. with coastal animals (dolphins, false killer whales, penguins, manatees, sea lions, turtles and sea otters), rocks and plants). Everyone was playing together nicely when suddenly a message appeared saying "Rambo has been attacked and killed" and then another saying "Wilma has been attacked and killed" (these were the names of 2 of our penguins). Obviously, we rushed to see what had happened, and it turned out that a sea otter by the name of Holly had killed our penguins and was eating them, and to make it worse, the penguin remains were still visible on the sand.

Zoo Tycoon 2 is occasionally gruesome.

This question is far too hard! There are so many to choose from!

I think Dracula (I know, I know), but only if he looks like Gary Oldman...mmm), Edward Cullen, but only if he DOES NOT look like Rob Patterson because he is NOT pretty enough, Spike (oh, yeah!), Angelus (just because he's evil), Mitchell from Being Human (because he has a nice accent), Louis and Lestat (because I can't choose between them)...and there are so many others I will most likely add to this.

This seems to have turned into a list of my favourite vampires rather than who I'd like to bite me...but I suppose I wouldn't say no to any of them.

Today I haven't done very much other than play games on my computer (I know, I'm awful), though in other ways today has been quite productive. For example, I smacked my head on the corner of a cupboard while making lunch and now have a huge purple lump, I cut my leg quite considerably just now in the shower, and I have just had to attempt to remove a rather large spider from my ceiling (if you didn't already know, I am petrified of them). So...yeah.

:D

So...what has happened to me since I last posted? The answer to that is lots.

I found a job (yay me!). I lost said job (boo!). Paul moved back to Croydon (tears were involved). I have basically packed up my entire room due to being a) too organised and b) bored.

Currently, I have no bed. I just spent the last hour taking apart the half-broken monstrosity. Now I have a little futon mattress in the corner of my room, which is surprisingly comfortable, and lots more space than I did before. I believe this calls for creating a better system of boxes :D


I am so worried about finding a job. I have absolutely no idea how I'm supposed to get a job in the Croydon area while I'm living in Margate. It's not the looking for jobs that's the problem, or even applying for them, it's more a case of "What am I going to do if I get an interview?". I mean, it's not cheap to get to Croydon from Margate, and that is definately money I do not have, even though I am currently on Jobseekers AGAIN. I wish I could just move and then look for work. It would be so much easier. And, of course, I would pay my rent from when I moved, I'd even pay it before if I had to, I just can't help feeling that it's going to be virtually impossible for me to be able to sort out work while I'm here. And if I was allowed to do this, I will definately not just sit on my backside all day inside. Of course, I'd have to spend a fair amount of time on the computer, but I'd also go out and look, and go to the Job Centre, and sign up to some agency-like people. Plus, if/when I move, I'm going to have to spend some of my time learning where things are and how to get places and when the buses are etc, and sorting out a doctor and things, so I won't be able to just laze about the house, I'll be too busy!

The whole thing has worried me a little right from the beginning, but since I lost my job I've been completely stressing, because now I feel like I'm a little screwed.

It makes me sad.

Yeah, I know, it's been a while. I haven't had much to say, didn't want to constantly post about how bored I am lol.

So, I'm bored! I am currently at East Kent Itec on my stupid "Let's jobsearch for 30 hours a week" course, thanks to the Job Centre. They have recently put me on a job placement, at Tesco, even though I said I didn't want to do any more retail if I could help it. But nevermind. I am now 'working' at Tesco Mondays, Thursdays, Fridays and Saturdays, 12-6.30, for no money. Yay me.

I had another interview this morning (I've been getting a few of those lately) at JJB Sport Fitness Club (yeah, I know, me in a fitness club, it's very funny). It went ok, as interviews go. At least I look smart. I have another interview in Canterbury tomorrow at 19.45 (odd time!) for a chambermaid job. Paul thinks this sounds very old-fasioned. I am inclined to agree, but I think it would be awesome if I had to dress in Victoriana for it :).

What else.......um.........I am coming to Canterbury today...........that was exciting..........apparently I have nothing else to say, and I only managed to kill 8 minutes writing this :(.

I shall go back to my job search

Well, I'm home now. And I'm lonely. After spending so much time with Paul, which was awesome, now I'm suddenly not too sure what to do with myself, as I got to used to doing stuff with him. At least I can see him for a few more days before I have to say goodbye for ages!

Bon Jovi and Iron Maiden were awesome! I really enjoyed Bon Jovi. I was surprised by how many of the songs they played I actually knew! I guess that's what happens when you have a boyfriend that's obsessed lol. I got some really good pictures, I'll put them up somewhere when I get a chance, if not today then in the next few days. Iron Maiden was really good too. I thought Within Temptation were really good, but I was a little upset that they had so much of the music on a backing track. Avenged Sevenfold were good too, shame they stopped right in the middle of their last song. It was a little weird watching Iron Maiden, because I honestly only know one or two of their songs, so I was hearing everything for the first time. The show they put on was awesome though, with the fire and the two versions of Eddie that appeared on stage (one of which I was in awe of so much I forgot to take a picture). So, yeah, really awesome. Thank you for taking me baby xx

The Natural History Museum was really good, as good as I remember it being when I was little. I bought Paul a penguin which he named Captain Beakface, who, as I've just been told, has been swimming in a glass of water! Poor Beakface!

It was a bloody nightmare trying to get back yesterday. My train was supposed to be at 9:19am, which would have been perfect considering I had to go to the job centre yesterday, but because some other train died my train was cancelled and then another on was delayed. So by the time I got back to Margate I was already half an hour late, which meant I had to walk up the hill with my suitcase, go to the job centre, have them tell me to go back at 2:10pm, try and get home, and then go back. It was stupid.

Ok, so I'm thinking, quite seriously, about joining the Army. I want to train as either a mechanic of some sort or as a field medic. Thoughts?

Man, I feel awful. I hate being ill. It sucks.

I am such a twat.

Well, the Sheep was good, I was so tired atterwards though! But it was fun. I waited for ages just to get painted with UV paint and glitter, it was awesome. I have pictures by the way, they will be on Facebook whenever I can be bothered to do it.

Yesterday I tidied Paul's bedroom. It was so tiring! I tried to vacuum the floor but it wouldn't suck up all the dirt, so I cleaned the whole floor with a dustpan and brush. Then I organised everything and sorted his washing and put all his clothes away. His room seriously looks amazing. All the time I've known him I've never seen how much space he has. I hope he keeps it like it.

So, yesterday, I saw something that, according to Paul, sums up life. I was sitting in town waiting for Paul and I was watching this big bug (it looked like a giant ant with wings) crawling along the path infront of me. Every so often it tried to fly, but it didn't get very far and had to crawl again. So, anyway, after about 3 minutes of this, the bug finally managed to fly and stay in the air and then...it got hit by a car.

I know it's harsh but it made me laugh, it was just so typical.

So, today I woke up with only one intention...to dye my hair. When I woke up, my hair was black. By 5 it was ginger. Now, it's red and black. 'Tis awesome. I think tomorrow I'll just touch up the ends of my hair (the red isn't too great there) and I will be happy. Also, the doctor gave me more happy pills today. Hmmm...what else. It is looking very likely that I'm not going to the Sheep, which is a shame. Also, today I wrote a letter-type-thing to Paul, like I said I was going to, so if you want to read it hunny, it's here.

I have been seriously lazy today. All I've done is sit and watch TV since I got up at 12. I finally saw Alien today. I've owned it for 2 years, and have waited what seems like forever to see that tiny alien rip through that guy's chest. It made me happy.

Twilight is a fantastic book, probably one of my favourites ever! I could hardly put it down. And it really made me think too, but I have a feeling that's just because I'm me. Also, I've almost finished The Book Thief, in fact, I'll probably finish it tonight. It's really good, I just wish I hadn't kept forgetting to take it with me to Canterbury. If I'd remembered it I probably would have finished it ages ago!

This week is going to be crazy, I guess that's why I've been so lazy while I can. Doctor tomorrow (hopefully - haven't been able to phone them yet), no doubt Canterbury on Wednesday for the waxing thing, then (again, hopefully) to Croydon and the wonderful Sheep for the next couple of days, and then Saturday I have to be at home and then in Canterbury again. I'm going to be knackered. I just hope I not only remember a book, but remember to update and charge my ipod, otherwise those bus journey's are going to be hell. Also, I must remember to put my Oyster card in my bag. Hopefully writing that will help me remember. In fact, I'll do it now...if I can find my bag...done.

Hmm...I think there was something else I was going to write about but can I remember? Of course I can't. Oh well, can't have been important.

I've decided that I don't like being me anymore. It seems all I do is get in the way and upset people. It doesn't matter what I say or do, if I do just one thing wrong then I just end up right back where I started. I apologise, but it doesn't matter. I seem to spend all my time doing everything I can to please other people, to make people happy, to fade into the background when I should (which is most of the time). I thought that I was different since I started taking these pills, I thought I'd lost myself, that I wasn't me anymore...but I was wrong. I realise now that I haven't changed one bit. I still feel like an outsider, I still feel like I'm in the way, I still feel like I shouldn't say or do anything, I still have to ask permission to do everything, I still sacrifice everything I think and feel for others, I still sit here and cry, I still fake everything, and I still hide.

I know it means nothing, but I am grateful, and I'm sorry. There's nothing more I can do.

So, anyway, I don't like being me anymore. I think I might stay home and hide.

Well, it seems I'm finally starting to get used to the drugs I'm taking. I've started taking them before I go to sleep now, which is slightly effecting my sleep (as I feel sick most of the night), but it means I don't spend the whole day feeling crappy. Also, I'm starting to think that my constant headache is being caused by my glasses, and that I need new ones. I must remember to do this.

Paul and I were ridiculously lazy on Sunday. We basically stayed in bed all day and played games. We completed the whole of Monkey Island 4, which was awesome. He's made me become addicted to those games, I hope they make another one. Anyway, I think we ended up leaving his room to make dinner around 1am-ish (yeah, I know!), and then went straight back to playing games again. It was awesome. Yesterday we played Simon the Sorcerer, and we would have completed it, but I fell asleep right at the end, so we finished that this morning. Roll on Simon the Sorcerer 2 - 'tis awesome!

Hmm...I think that's just about it...

 So, my Amoxicillin and Microgynon 30 have caused me to develop another infection. Will this torment never end?

For months, years even, I have avoided going to the doctor and I have been fine. I finally give in to the opinions of others (no offence intended), and I come out worse than I was before.

And now I can't avoid going to the doctor. Now it has to become a regular event.

Oh joy.

 7 days. 7 days I have had this constant headache. It shows no signs of getting better. All the side-effects of the pills are kicking in, hence the headaches, nausea, very very violent mood swings, loss of appetite, tiredness, dizziness, bleeding etc. I feel so lucky. It's really confusing 'cos how I feel changes all the time. Like this morning, for example, I decided that I wanted to come home and be alone, but now I feel awful and I want a hug from Paul and I know I won't see him for days (no money, surprise surprise).


So, on a lighter note, my sister did something very stupid and very funny today. Basically, she wanted black paint, which she took and then stood in the doorway of the living room. She was swinging the bottle around and throwing it up and down and attempting to catch it. As usual she was told to stop, and as usual she ignored Mum and carried on what she was doing. Anyway, she threw this bottle of black paint up in the air, tried to catch it, and missed. The bottle, obviously, fell to the floor and, just to make it worse, exploded. Yes, exploded! So now our living room carpet is covered in black stains, as are the chairs, curtains, desk, radiator, my mum and my cat. She is in SO much trouble.

It was funny though.

This combination of pills has given me the worst, constant headache I've ever had. And I can't actually take anything else to get rid of it. Turns out that I have to stop taking Paracetamol etc because it reacts with the other stuff I'm taking - lucky me!

Also, it is FREEZING in my room, and no doubt outside too.

Also, I'm back to the whole no money thing, which means I can't do anything, so tonight should be fun. Also, Mum is pissed off with me because I have no money for Sunday (oops!)

Hopefully I'll be happier by the time I come to Canterbury tonight...fingers crossed. 

Well, I've avoided going to the doctor for months and have ended up going twice this week, and right now I am on more drugs than I have ever been in my life. If you're interested I'm now taking Seretide 125, Amoxicillin, Cipralex and Microgynon-30, plus all the Paracetamol. I really hope they don't react when I take them...though that could be interesting.

Seriously, I am so fed up with not being able to hear right now, it's really getting to me. It's making me feel so dumb 'cos I have to keep asking people to repeat things or I end up completely ignoring them. It's so annoying.

Also, the doctor made me do a written test this morning to see how depressed I am. The maximum score you could get was 27. I scored 20. The doctor was shocked, though I'm not sure if that was because of my score or because it didn't surprise me at all.

Hmm...not sure what else to write so I think that is all. 

*Edit* - Also, I forgot to mention that about 15 minutes previous to writing this I smoked the last of my tobacco :(